How to take care of your wife
In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES

– You make the bed (+1)
– You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
– You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
– You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
– In the rain (+8)
– But return with Beer (-5)
– You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
– You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
– You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
– You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
– It’s her pet (-10)

 
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

– You stay by her side the entire party (0)
– You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
– Named Tina (-4)
– Tina is a dancer (-10)

 
HER BIRTHDAY

– You take her out to dinner (0)
– You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)
– Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)
– And it’s all-you-can- eat night (-3)
– It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

 
A NIGHT OUT

– You take her to a movie (+2)
– You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
– You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
– You take her to a movie you like (-2)
– It’s called ‘DeathCop’ (-3)
– You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

 
YOUR PHYSIQUE

– You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
– You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
– You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
– You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

 
ENJOY THE ‘BIG’ QUESTION

– She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
– You hesitate in responding (-10)
– You reply, “Where?” (-35)
– Any other response (-20)

 
COMMUNICATION

– When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)
– You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
– You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
– She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

4. The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

6. The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7. Boob’s Law
You always find something in the last place you look.

8. Wailer’s Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

9. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

10. Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.

11. Conway’s Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person must be fired.

12. Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.

13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

14. Law of Drunkenness
You can’t fall off the floor.

15. Heeler’s Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.

16. Osborne’s Law
Variables won’t; constants aren’t.

17. Main’s Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

18. Weinberg’s Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

A cool and smart way to make money…hehe

Funny answering machine messages

continued…

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking…

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello. I’m home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I’m home right now, and in a moment, I’ll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I’ll be thinking about it…

Bob here. I’m home right now, I’m just screening my calls. So start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak with I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidy’s answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I’ve doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

French kiss

A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.

“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asks the priest.

“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father,” says the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Father again.

“Well, no.” says the man. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed Priest.

“No, not yet,” the man replies. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew over a bit of forest near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked the impatient Priest.

“No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

Silence filled the confessional until the Priest sighed and said,

“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

Cute little girl in the video asking for lollypop

Elderly Joke – Crazy old woman

Elderly joke

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Continued from Funny Answering machine messages